Just no copying^^. That's all =)
If you do, i'll make sure u don't again -blink-
Swearing = ok (Y) cos i do it too ><
All work is original except for song lyrics xP
I take no credit for those at all~








Music Code here=)
GetItHere! lalala~ :D

June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
January 2011
March 2011

Hello,
this blog ish dead-ish...
I've started a new one xD
Good luck finding it ;P











rawr.
i wanna talk.
WHYYYYYY the quiet study area T_T

my book got returned -rage-
now i have to wait another 30 mins before i can use it.
as if thats not a big enough waste of time already.
rawr.

BANG and the dirt is gone <-- feel random...



I learnt a lot of maths today.
I feel confident =)
Lots of maths yayy
Roger love yayy <3
Tutor at home and working hard and having to come home early! yayy <3

-cries-



Shame I have to come back on this note:

Carmen + Maths = <3 = good for me
Txts snd blogs = ...you figure it out







FAAARKKKKYEAAAAHHHH >D



Mood ruined for the day.
Thanks so much. Really.



So I kind of realise that most people have dysfunctional families,
And recently I've only just started to realise how lucky I am.
I probably am writing this at a very inappropriate time, seeing as there are current problems for other people...and don't get me wrong, I really hope they find happiness.
I won't ask if you're ok...even though sometimes my tongue slips.
Because I know what a naive and stupid question that is.
I just really hope, that at least you will find happiness. All of you.

Why I am saying this?
I don't know really.
To be honest, what do I know at all about other people's problems?
Nothing.
It's not my place.
I'm an outsider.

But, after a long D&M with my mum this afternoon after getting back from the station (where I bummed at with Joey from 5:40 till 6:30 ;3)
I talked to mum about her pregnancy experiences (I don't know how the topic came up...don't ask me to remember that far TT)
And I found out...that I'm actually the 3rd.
As opposed to what I thought before (2nd).
It shocked me to find out that one had been downed before.
As I listened to mum telling me the past between her and dad as she cooked dinner,
I wanted so much to reach out to her and just cry.
To thank her for giving birth to me,
and apologize for the pain she had to go through to keep me alive.
And just to tell her I was happy from the bottom of my heart to be alive.

I never knew...
The pain she endured to have both me and Kev.
The loss she and my dad paid so that we could live as we are now.

To my 2 older siblings in heaven whom the world never knew,
Please be at peace,
And...I promise to live my life to the fullest where you couldn't.
Even though I never knew you, your existences are the sign that me and Kev live today for a reason.
That our parents fought to deliver us into the world safely.

SO...please don't find that weird TT

Schoolday was meh...
Mizoshiri pissed at me I think.
Free~ chilled int he quad and talked with Christine about shiz (we're kool bru =D)
Recess - idle talk
Eng killed me TT we're fked =D Jess and Log were on the verge of throwing a fit aish~
Lunch we had lots of fun just...being weirrrdd xD And got some feedback on situation...err...well not quite so realistics but it was encouraging? xDD heh.
Oh and we watched Jassy shleepz ;3
BAHAHHAA 'Luke and Vivian...WAIT WHAT?! WHAT?!!?!!?!?' (btw its not true...we think LOL)
Ahhhh...MODERN! YAYY general highlight class of the day^^ Mr Tidyman (aka Our Dark Lord) = LOVEE!!! <3
Maths last period...KILZZZ MEEEEEEEEEE T_T durrrr...
We're literally a whole chapter behind FFFFFFFF
Hist Ext in the arvo~
Talked about Herodotus
watched a bit of the English Patient
Yayy we had so much food xDDD
Ahh shizzz~ we gots our Project Proposal notification TT
Sharon Liu's is full pro fk~

Met Joey at leos afterwards~
Breath ;P
I think I like You better in ur uniform :3
Your PE uniform is dodge and...smelly LOL
<3 i still love you blurgh
Thankuuu for coming Pymble <3
Bumming and poking each other and other stuffs...
Like smooth skin stroking BAHAHAHA
and err...yah we frolick? xP not rly...xD

<3<3

Kev disappeared after bball at randwick, and Mum freaked out...
Then turned out he was home already and was only late cos he went to Macq for food -facepalm-

Must read Namesake~!! Ish already behind so will spam read till 12 or 1...then go to sleep till 2:30, then Joey wakes me up yayy ^^
then hardcore work TT

I'm working naoz~
baibai~ <3

P.S shoutout to Bree, hang in there babe <3
P.S.S shoutout to L, whether you're into him or not, just lay off a bit. Please. I don't want Bellar to really throw you off the boat. (As tempting as it is) I reiterate, I don't hate you, but I'm not backing down.



On another note THE NEW WINDOWS MESSENGER LIVE 2011 IS A PIECE OF HORSEHIT! >[

NO DISPLAY NAME...AND DODGY LAYOUT! FKING HE-...

I could rage for an hour over this but I'm tired so I'm not bothered.

On recap of today, so I left my laptop at school in my locker and now has a new Sony VAIO netbook sized laptop =D
Only thats its awesomers than a netbook^^ cos it has DVD-rom >D
And the screen is like...a piece of cardboard.
SO THIN~
But downside is that theres no office temporarily, AND THE CAM DOESN'T WORK! D;
-devos-
hopefuly will work soon TT

YAYYYYY ANDY AND MICHAEL <3
heehe Matricks buddies :3

80 messages ftw! >D

-sigh-

not bothered for any more <<



Why does it have to be like this?
How did it become like this?
Am I suddenly the bad person?
The party at fault?
Am I suddenly the one intruding on possibility?

It sort of makes me wonder who they support.
Even M, who says we're cute etc...I wonder who he would prefer to be the victorious.
Frustrating isn't it?

You know what's fked up...I'm actually imagining myself stepping out of the way, throwing down the flag, and letting her have it...like I always do.
Fk what is wrong with me!

I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR THIS!
I WON'T LOSE TO THE LIKES OF YOU!
NO WAY!
-roaring10PUNCH-

Wow my disguising skills, or rather lack of, amaze even myself =="

yarr...I don't hate you =)
At least I'm trying too.
I guess I'm not even justified till it's confirmed.
Which it probably won't be.
I dare you to say it.
I'm interested...to see th world's reaction.

YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm not spiteful =D







Hmm...Rina dropped Jap ext, and Jassy and Kathy are both considering too...

-deserted-

side note~ I'm glad I found Jojo's diary <3 She seemed worried =( -hug-

I wanna rave all of a sudden.

-raves-

-retard-

whee~

Mama~

IF THERE'S A CAMEL UP A HILL THEN IT'S GONG LI WITH ME WHEN I DOOOOOOOO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

moocow.

Haha so yeah,

I'm spamming my own blog.

GG bro =)

fluck.

=D

To Kwannduck~ gl with finding that job u want =)

To Joey~ good night you flamingo xP <3



So today I read about the failed Children's Crusade of 1212.

It's sad.

Like it makes me shiver.

It reminds me of Les Mis, but on a larger more tragic scale.

=(

Look it up if you're bothered (Y)



Hmm...I'm kind of bored.
I should shower~

But meh.

MUSTMUSTMUST:

~bring moneys 2moz for txtbooks
~go to State Library this Sat for Modern and Hist Ext sources/books
~prepay and register for Rob Rich International Guest Workshop at Crossover =)
~get Romanticism texts from some library...preferably one I do not have a $30+ overdue fee owing at (Y)
~SAVE MONEYS!!! D;
~DO ALL WORK! DDDDDDDDDDDDD;
~get a life
~make it to the atom some time tomorrow...or soon. (well...if i'm needed...)

Hello.
I rolled my ankle today while crossing Pacific Hwy^^
It hurts.
=(

Thankyou Rina for spending 2nd period with me <3
We had a good time with 'charming voice and bulging penis' LOL
-hug-

Thankyou Carumen-chan for being considerate <3

*nts: remember to bring the pills on Saturday







...blurgh.

Not bothered tonight.
Internet being bitchy.

-hugs- for all! =D

Hope Joey calls me soon^^







I'M CRAVING A CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY RIGHT NOW! >DDD

-poke-



So boy,
I wonder sometimes,
Do you miss me?
Hahaha how could you?
I'm on your case before you can even realise I was gone =)

'You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset.
She's going off about something that you said.'

Cookies for fellow psychotic obsessive clingy fat 'i-miss-you-every-fking-second-of-the-day' 'please-don't-leave-me' 'his-life-would-be-a-better-place-without-me' gf's 8)

To the Subject:

Don't worry.
I won't bother you.
Even if I'm 'up to it'.
Won't that make life easier?^^

I'm out.



What's there to talk about if I don't have any excuses.
What's there to talk about if you're all right and I have nothing to say.
You say you're the one who says all the bad things,
But honestly it's better if I don't even appear, let alone speak.
Because I'm the root, the catalyst, and the residue of the problem.
(Excuse the horribly off chemistry allusion)
(Since I'm obviously very science-orientated).

If it offers any consolation,
I'm sorry.
Although I'm pretty sure that doesn't cut it anymore.



That feeling of fear, oddly dry and warm compared to the downpour outside,
But wishing that there was someone to pass it with.
Hoping that someone will embrace you in their arms and keep you safe,
as momentary flashes of white lash at you,
While the sky cries.
But after a while,
You feel strangely at peach amidst nature's screams and moans.
It's beautifully mesmerizing.

EDIT: ...way to ruin ur intended mood idiot ==;; no...i don't feel at 'peach' ...hopefully someone figured that out ><;; *PEACE!!!
And yeah...i didnt figure out the sexual connotations till i got laughed at TT



A 3-way split-end.
How charming.



You notice that which is hard to find in 5 minutes,
but never that which is right in front of your eyes.

I wouldn't deprive you of your passions.
And it's a good thing you wouldn't either.









So yeah...

It hurts.

To be told that one day after a certain point, you'll let go.

It hurts.

It kills.



So yahh so much for not bothered to say much xDD



hmmmm...I don't particularly feel like saying much about my day.

Not much...

This morning was talking to Louis at St Leos and on the bus to NSB as usual =)
We talked about subjects and shiz...and we're kool haha xD
Apparently he used to do Jap~!! =D
And he was complaining about how you can't say 'Oneechan daisuki!'
Without sounding like a toyboy ehehehe.
And then as we were walking up to J block I told him at least it wasn't as inappropriate as
'Oneechan AISHITERU!'
At which I decided to say to the passing Foghorn who was also arriving LOL
And she was like DA FARRRRKKK 'I don't swing that way' LOL
Also passed Lia and Rayray on the way up.
and was like RAYRAAAAAYYY~!
-hugs-
havn't hugged him in ages haha.

We dump our shiz in the music room and kinda well...dieee~
I flopped on Foggy's legs cos I was shiz tired despite 8 hrs sleep.

I dont like Don't Cry For Me Argentina much...
As nice of a song it is...
it's a bit boring.
I'd much rather we were able to master the Michael Jackson Melody haha.
PSALITE~ CHRISTO DEI FILIO!

Had brekkie with Carumen-chan at Eighty Ate and we were wondering whether to tell the Juniors there to GTFO.
Decided later that we ceebs haha.
OMELETTE AND FRENCH TOAST YAYY <3
Gegh TT No chicken BS! D;

Year meeting was meh.
Not much happened except for organisational stuffs.

Modern first period was fun caws Mr Tidyman is just awesomes like that =)
HAIL OUR DARK LORDDD >D
hehe more btching about stoopid Frenches and Brits.
The brits were plain dumb in WWI.
Just plain stoopidly dumb ==;;

Recess, we had an anti shade/anti-sun session.
Walked over to the Atom with Lenloe and then we were doing retarded dance moves with Weelay and Carumen-chan.
Joking anyone?
Then told them about the awkies situation about telling Jaye to put Sanitary bins in the girls bathroom LOL
In all, recess was a nice change from recent events =)
Peacefully fun <3

Maths 3rd period was just more bleurgh fun.
Haha I was shitting myself hoping the bell would ring so that Terry would not check my undone hw YAYY
and when it did I was like YESSSSSSSSSS~!!
Bree laughed TT

Acapella was...interesting.
More killing my voice with The Boy From New York urgh ==
New kiddies joined such as Zara, Lillian and Emma Laister LOL (tf)
One new recruit into Alto 2's.
But she upgraded to Alto 1's by the end LOL
HENCE Carumen-chan is rejoining Alto 2's YAYYY~! <3
I wana sing Down to the River =(

At the end was gna stay back to keep an eye on L and S and R,
but she told me to go away...
Kinda wanted to stay cos Bree asked me to keep them out of trouble,
but...-sigh-
attitude man ==

4th period Eng
Blurgh.
Just blurgh.
More stuff on 'THIS LAND IS MINEEE~'
ew.
Voice
ew.

5th period, was gna work with Rina in the ino rooms.
But we ended up being dragged by Sab and Bree into Snr Study,
for the 'conference'
Then found out some funny shiz from Sab about how Bellar and Joey used to throw Milk tea pearls at pigeons together, and also catch fireflies LOL
Cute (Y) ...~~~-flail-~~~
FIREFLIES~~!
They're taunting me in every shape and form ==

SO YAR!
BAHAHAHAHA reinforcing the LTPUNCH! with Rina ehehe ><;;
Nah i'm not actually that...GRRRR
I'm just playing~ ;]
Or am I? ;O

Ext Jap was mindfk as usual...
despite being slightly more relaxing while we watched Spirited Away.
Jo (Wong) commented on my bun that Bex did for me and said it looked nice ;3
NGAAAWWW JOJOJOJOJO~! -hugsquish- >w<
Heehee <3
We's all screwed for Ext D;
Was falling asleep at the end of the last article -sotired-

Then caught the 273 to Chats,
and was half an hour early.
Went to study room as usual,
and Amy and a new SG chick I didn't know was there.
Felt awkward cos I was eating my krn doritos...which were really loud.
Was trying to chew softly LOL...but the stuff ended up melting inside my mouth and going mushy TT

When we went in for class found out that he chick was Una Kim~
She's niceee ;3
We're both maths failees LOL yerr~
And she told me some funny shiz about...yerrr.
She was shocked to find out me and Joey were going out, let alone for 15 months,
And said she had always thought there was a thing going on between him and Lauren/BecZ
LOL I FEEL SO GG-ED~! =DDDD

Both Michael and Andy were late-ish.
And Michael walked in with a shifty-ass smile again haha.
But yerrzzzz...HE BROUGHT CHOC CHIP COOKAAYYSS <3
YAYY MICHAEL~!

All in all, the lesson was ok.
Analyzing Edvard Munch's 'Girls on the Bridge' was interesting,
cos we found heaps of cool stuffs and turned out we had heaps of ideas yayy~
Also got lots of articles and shiz from Lucy for Namesake -WIN!-
<3 Lucy
Bahahaha, and me and Michael cracking up at Amy as usual xP
Her reaction to the mention of Brick Lane was hilarious bru xD

Then went down with Andy and Michael,
Said bye to Michael,
And walked with Andy to train station.
We also talked on the train about our loner-ness being Northies,
and about other holes in Sydney LOL.
We're kool man -peace- JAP EXT BUDDIES YAYY~
=DD
And then Jap ppl walked in after he got off at Gordon LOL

err. that is all. for today (Y)
=)



So...I wonder how fun changeroom sex would be? ;]

haha -awkiesssss-

=D
Today was fun.
Incredibly fail.
But fun xD

Sorry for dragging you through all the frills and bows T_T
But we had a fun...er...non-zip experience =D

kekekeke -glomps-



note to readers: plz dont use google translate =)
if meaning is wanted, plz ask directly =)

fin.



p.s. i'm not part of each and every one =)



やはり。。。できない。

そんな強い自分がいない。

外の彼女達はやはり。。。私よりもっとかっこいいしきれいだし頭がいいしいい考えがあるんだしたぶんすばらしい関係があるんでしょう。

だから、もういや。

疲れて、自信が持ってない。

こんな自分は、あんたと関係が無理かな～。

だって、自分がよく分かるんで、こんな我侭はあんたに不公平でしょう。

私のせいだから。。。気にしないで。

私、自分で苦しいことを考える方がいいでしょう。

。。。なぜ私がまだ分からないの？どうしてそんなにバカなの、私？
私もまだ知らない。
たぶん。。。





bleurgh.
Today was...today.

Not much to say right now...cos i'm stoning.
I would talk about today but...I'm so idly bored/ceebs right now.

So...I wonder if I should hang in the city and study tomoz before Les Mis at night.

I kinda wanna go watch the SB game...but I don't wanna be like...-awkwardchime-
and then like...keep Joey from going home (as always)
meh
I'm so clingy.
Bad Beddy -slaps-
(I totally imagined Carmen saying that just then ><;;)

So yeahhhhhhh
I wanna shawp for social TT

Myer One 2 DAY SALE!
-shopaholic-
So yeah...I'm totally in year 12 and studying my ass off and thinking about useful things.
I'm totally not distracted.
I'm totally...not....gay =DDD

So, on a more relevant note,
Happy bday to Joey, Jacky, Rickeh, Trav, Vincent (who doesnt know me) and...I think that's it LOL

Said hb to most of them on fb already tho xD

In Joey's case...a bday txt at 12:00:01am works too xP
See? Clingy D; Obsessive even.


FARKKKKK~



so whyyyyy am i looking at formal dresses for sb social? xDDD

but srsly this is so fun =DD
there are some rly cute styles out >w<
Myer ftw (Y)

VARIETY >D



JERSEY NAME DUE TOMOZ!!!
IN DESPERATE NEED OF NAMES!!! D;
HELP APPRECIATED!??!?!!?

=)

Jacky...you are a dumbshit.
Listen to your dai ga jie.

Joey...you're mean.
I don't like you xP

Weelay, don't dip real cigars in coffee.
They won't go soggily edible unlike my biscuits xP

Carumen-chan and Weelay,
-bouncing around to Lucifer music YAYY!-

Sony,
Yayyy I'm glad we're becoming close!!! =D
Ext Hist is so fun nao^^
Plus I'm finally honing in sorta on a topic yayy!
3rd/4th crusades =DD
NTS: BeezunTEEN!
not Baizuntine or Beezuntine xP
(none of those are the real word beeteedubs LOL)
i foresee an interesting H.I. experience^^
YAYY SONY BALONEY! -hugs-
gl on finding a topic<3

Slept in for snr vocal this morning TT
too dead. zzzZZ~
Sorry Foggy D;
didn't mean to make u the onli yr 12 there D;

1st period eng Ms Taylor crashed our lesson and sat behind us in the empty row of chairs just listening in.
SO INTIMIDATING TT
Although she gave good tips and stuffs about the passage
was scarrrryyyy T_T
And I screwd up...just had to be this day when I hadn't done the questions smartass.
FK~

errr yeahhh...got busted by both Harrs and Terry (Lol...go figure...both my bs teachers)
for not doing eng/maths hw.
must do tonight or else screwed (Y)

Must remember to get Namesake off Lucy at Martricks.
Yayyy Lucy!! <3
She's so nicee >w<
dedication right there ;D

JERSEY NAMEEE (yeah thats the second time LOL)

ahmmmm...Yeah GJ's free with Weelay<33
work at GJ's totally happened xD
We ended up pigging out on recess and lunch as well as our coffee.

NSB international day today but ceebs going.
Hope Chris had fun being viet ;P

Modern I'm doing the Study Guide assessment on the war on the Western Front, WWI!!
hehehehe easy topic >D
We were also brainstorming jersey names in modern.
LOL DAIrycow T_T or DAIrywoman FK xD
Oh yah then my computer started sizzling and making crackling noises.
Mr Tidyman laughed T_________T
And told ppl who's computers were not on fire to go look up stuff blah.
*note: must remember to get the History work thingy off School site.

Probs won't be allowed to go on America trip nxt year...too povo T_T

so much Jap work TT
Jap alone takes up about 2 3rds of my folder sheets.
Probs about 200 sheets by now T^T just in the first 2 weeks.
I swear its gna killz mee D;

OH YEAH ~!!! NAKED FRUITS!!! LOL
Me carumen-chan and weelay came up with the concept of fruit strip teases YEAH! =DDD
BAHAHAHA....random ><

Talked to Madgers about Hist ext after school.
Lol soph came right after me and went first.
Her topic sounds so in depth and complicated and like...Proooo T_T
Mine's like...
'errr...yeah I like this topic. But it's rly broad....-shift-'
But yeah Madgers seemed to like it so yayy~
Sack of Constantinople or 3rd Crusade wheee~

Talked to Sarah B while walking to St Leos,
talked about modern trip and uni stuffs and twas cool.
We sounded so intellectual 8)

errr...yarrr cant wait till tomoz arvo^^
so pumped =DD

and err... uhm yeah fk 4 hr free tomoz LOL
what to do~~~

*MUST ANNOTATE TONIGHT PLUS WRAP!



Then I'm sure you have better people to care about.
Ones who won't cause you any loss.







So on a hopefully non-depressing note,

me and Weelay and Shirley and Bree were exploring the concept of having boobs/penis thrust up to your very flat back/rear.
And we started re-enacting it (well...I did...)
and Ms Cheney (years advisor) saw =)
and she apparently double-taked...-triple-taked...quadruple-taked

and stopped and stared,
and walked over to us,
and said we were retarded (well along those lines)
And told us to go to class LOL.

So...smile anyone? =|
-pushes up cheek flab-







It's your own fault for trying too hard.
Stop making excuses stupid girl.











Wow...and I thought YESTERDAY's cryfest was bad haha.

But thankyou to everyone who replied etc. <3
Was inspirational.
I think I've become more...happy =) (lol lame wordchoice)

Unfortunately tonight was 100x worse but for completely different reason.

It's funny how I've been having emotional conflicts with the 3 most important groups of people in my life recently:

1. [bf]
2. [atoms]
3. [family]

Tonight number 3 finally reared its ugly head. The incident obviously coincided with number 1, as it would. But after crying a bucket of tears (I think...quite literally that much) while making as ugly gurgling and choked sounds as those during sex (WTF is that analogy...i dno), finally defended my point (quite badly might I add) and all is good.

Well...I think I'm grounded forever...like never allowed to go out again.

BUT

all is good.

It could be a lot worse =)

So self sacrifice in this case goes a long way =)

Hope you are sleeping soundly in your uber soft pillow, without a care in the world.
You deserve that kind of peace of mind =) -hug-

And to all who noticed last night's post, thank you so much for being there. In all honesty I am now ashamed that I doubted you guys. I am nothing without you guys. Really. Please don't leave me <3

Oh and shoutout to Carumen-chan, thankyou for putting up a trying (albeit feeble) fight against the scary mum-monster on the phone. And I'm sorry you had to go through that =(
(Although you obviously aren't reading this because you have no net LOL)

And to all those not mentioned:





So...

funny.

I came here because I felt lost.
But now words come to mind.

Dear non existent blogreaders,

I havn't blogged in a while.
I know that all the spam coming to my cbox is just...well...spam. You kind of get the point when a few different-named users use the same message.

A shout-out to blog-universe.
Anyone there who still cares?

I'm not...angry...or even pissed to any degree.
Neither am I depressed I guess.
But somehow...somehow I just feel like the light dimmed a little in my eyes.
It might have been caused by something I found out from Joey about an hour back.
But somehow I don't think that's it...even if that was the catalyst.

There are many things that I lock away in my heart or pour out to people nowadays.
And there are good reasons why I don't tell most people.
Because honestly...how many of you would understand?
Everyone's conceptions of life...perhaps all correct.
But only a few people could understand.
In fact, I could probably have a suicide-attempt and most people would never find out.
No-one would know if need be.

On Friday night I cried my heart out.
I cried so much that I don't remember having cried like that since my parents threatened to ask SB for Joey's home number and call his parents, and drive up there to talk with them.
Oh there was also the time when me and Joey almost broke up.
I cried very hard those few times.

But this time, there was something different. Because it started with 'us' again. It was about us. Another 'lover's tiff' I guess. But I cried this time. The crying got worse...but not about us. About a group of people who don't know I'm hurting. I don't know if anyone's noticed. I'm not sure if I should give them that kind of credit. As wonderful people as they are, people tend to forget about those out of sight...those outside of the circle.

The tears flowed, and I cried like a baby. I gasped for air, suffocating in the heartbreak mixed with sense of loss. It was until this moment that I had never truly realised how alone I feel around those that I had claimed to belong to.


What's happening I wonder? What's happening to me? It's not love which is making me hurt is it? No...for most of you you'd think this refers to a specific person. You don't get it at all.

Thank you, for listening as I bawled my eyes out. Even though half of it might have been your fault, you still listened like you always do. I know that if you had been next to me, you would have held me till I fell asleep in exhaustion, tear tracks drying on my cheeks. Maybe, there are no barriers between us anymore (oh perhaps apart from U2 ahahahaha). But thank you. For the millionth time thank you for listening to every excruciatingly painful word muffled by sobs. Thank you for embracing me even when your arms couldn't reach me, when those who are so close don't see my pain. Thank you for accepting me for who I'm afraid to be.

And it seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind,
Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.

On Wednesday night, after staying out in city till 9pm looking for Alison's birthday stuff, we took the train home (we being me and Joey, who btw spent the whole time with me...looking through a million girl-orientated shops with me, living through the millions of frills and pink and jewellery, giving his opinion for when I was undecisive [being most of the time], and just doing all the things which I would've done alone crying; Thank you <3) and found a sleek folder under a lone mX on the chair we had sat on. The folder belonged to a person we didn't know, and had apprenticeship contracts and forms all signed for a guy about to start work. The stuff looked heaps important, so we decided we'd mail it back to him. After Joey got off I called the guy and he hadn't even realised he had lost the folder yet. He was so relieved and thanked me a million times. Turns out he was the same age as us (a few months older than me) and finished school last year and was starting work soon. I'm glad everything's good now Rich =)

It felt nice to have done something insignificantly good. In this small world. Perhaps made just a small difference to one on this little-big planet.

Shoutout to Bree for adding me to her bloglist =) I feel honored to be added, as opposed to being deleted.

Will be up doing work.
Anyone who read this and cares, plz txt me a nice message =)

P.S. I love you Joseph Zhang















09.10.10 <3

To J: I love you and I'm sorry for all the shit I've put you through (yes that is the last time I will say sorry...no not rly LOL)
To A: It was fuckin awesome meeting you ;3 Hope we have more awesome fun like that soon yayy~!! and Yayy for dissing the skinny girl ;P








Waiting...is painful.

Hello,
this blog ish dead-ish...
I've started a new one xD
Good luck finding it ;P











rawr.
i wanna talk.
WHYYYYYY the quiet study area T_T

my book got returned -rage-
now i have to wait another 30 mins before i can use it.
as if thats not a big enough waste of time already.
rawr.

BANG and the dirt is gone <-- feel random...



I learnt a lot of maths today.
I feel confident =)
Lots of maths yayy
Roger love yayy <3
Tutor at home and working hard and having to come home early! yayy <3

-cries-



Shame I have to come back on this note:

Carmen + Maths = <3 = good for me
Txts snd blogs = ...you figure it out







FAAARKKKKYEAAAAHHHH >D



Mood ruined for the day.
Thanks so much. Really.



So I kind of realise that most people have dysfunctional families,
And recently I've only just started to realise how lucky I am.
I probably am writing this at a very inappropriate time, seeing as there are current problems for other people...and don't get me wrong, I really hope they find happiness.
I won't ask if you're ok...even though sometimes my tongue slips.
Because I know what a naive and stupid question that is.
I just really hope, that at least you will find happiness. All of you.

Why I am saying this?
I don't know really.
To be honest, what do I know at all about other people's problems?
Nothing.
It's not my place.
I'm an outsider.

But, after a long D&M with my mum this afternoon after getting back from the station (where I bummed at with Joey from 5:40 till 6:30 ;3)
I talked to mum about her pregnancy experiences (I don't know how the topic came up...don't ask me to remember that far TT)
And I found out...that I'm actually the 3rd.
As opposed to what I thought before (2nd).
It shocked me to find out that one had been downed before.
As I listened to mum telling me the past between her and dad as she cooked dinner,
I wanted so much to reach out to her and just cry.
To thank her for giving birth to me,
and apologize for the pain she had to go through to keep me alive.
And just to tell her I was happy from the bottom of my heart to be alive.

I never knew...
The pain she endured to have both me and Kev.
The loss she and my dad paid so that we could live as we are now.

To my 2 older siblings in heaven whom the world never knew,
Please be at peace,
And...I promise to live my life to the fullest where you couldn't.
Even though I never knew you, your existences are the sign that me and Kev live today for a reason.
That our parents fought to deliver us into the world safely.

SO...please don't find that weird TT

Schoolday was meh...
Mizoshiri pissed at me I think.
Free~ chilled int he quad and talked with Christine about shiz (we're kool bru =D)
Recess - idle talk
Eng killed me TT we're fked =D Jess and Log were on the verge of throwing a fit aish~
Lunch we had lots of fun just...being weirrrdd xD And got some feedback on situation...err...well not quite so realistics but it was encouraging? xDD heh.
Oh and we watched Jassy shleepz ;3
BAHAHHAA 'Luke and Vivian...WAIT WHAT?! WHAT?!!?!!?!?' (btw its not true...we think LOL)
Ahhhh...MODERN! YAYY general highlight class of the day^^ Mr Tidyman (aka Our Dark Lord) = LOVEE!!! <3
Maths last period...KILZZZ MEEEEEEEEEE T_T durrrr...
We're literally a whole chapter behind FFFFFFFF
Hist Ext in the arvo~
Talked about Herodotus
watched a bit of the English Patient
Yayy we had so much food xDDD
Ahh shizzz~ we gots our Project Proposal notification TT
Sharon Liu's is full pro fk~

Met Joey at leos afterwards~
Breath ;P
I think I like You better in ur uniform :3
Your PE uniform is dodge and...smelly LOL
<3 i still love you blurgh
Thankuuu for coming Pymble <3
Bumming and poking each other and other stuffs...
Like smooth skin stroking BAHAHAHA
and err...yah we frolick? xP not rly...xD

<3<3

Kev disappeared after bball at randwick, and Mum freaked out...
Then turned out he was home already and was only late cos he went to Macq for food -facepalm-

Must read Namesake~!! Ish already behind so will spam read till 12 or 1...then go to sleep till 2:30, then Joey wakes me up yayy ^^
then hardcore work TT

I'm working naoz~
baibai~ <3

P.S shoutout to Bree, hang in there babe <3
P.S.S shoutout to L, whether you're into him or not, just lay off a bit. Please. I don't want Bellar to really throw you off the boat. (As tempting as it is) I reiterate, I don't hate you, but I'm not backing down.



On another note THE NEW WINDOWS MESSENGER LIVE 2011 IS A PIECE OF HORSEHIT! >[

NO DISPLAY NAME...AND DODGY LAYOUT! FKING HE-...

I could rage for an hour over this but I'm tired so I'm not bothered.

On recap of today, so I left my laptop at school in my locker and now has a new Sony VAIO netbook sized laptop =D
Only thats its awesomers than a netbook^^ cos it has DVD-rom >D
And the screen is like...a piece of cardboard.
SO THIN~
But downside is that theres no office temporarily, AND THE CAM DOESN'T WORK! D;
-devos-
hopefuly will work soon TT

YAYYYYY ANDY AND MICHAEL <3
heehe Matricks buddies :3

80 messages ftw! >D

-sigh-

not bothered for any more <<



Why does it have to be like this?
How did it become like this?
Am I suddenly the bad person?
The party at fault?
Am I suddenly the one intruding on possibility?

It sort of makes me wonder who they support.
Even M, who says we're cute etc...I wonder who he would prefer to be the victorious.
Frustrating isn't it?

You know what's fked up...I'm actually imagining myself stepping out of the way, throwing down the flag, and letting her have it...like I always do.
Fk what is wrong with me!

I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR THIS!
I WON'T LOSE TO THE LIKES OF YOU!
NO WAY!
-roaring10PUNCH-

Wow my disguising skills, or rather lack of, amaze even myself =="

yarr...I don't hate you =)
At least I'm trying too.
I guess I'm not even justified till it's confirmed.
Which it probably won't be.
I dare you to say it.
I'm interested...to see th world's reaction.

YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm not spiteful =D







Hmm...Rina dropped Jap ext, and Jassy and Kathy are both considering too...

-deserted-

side note~ I'm glad I found Jojo's diary <3 She seemed worried =( -hug-

I wanna rave all of a sudden.

-raves-

-retard-

whee~

Mama~

IF THERE'S A CAMEL UP A HILL THEN IT'S GONG LI WITH ME WHEN I DOOOOOOOO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

moocow.

Haha so yeah,

I'm spamming my own blog.

GG bro =)

fluck.

=D

To Kwannduck~ gl with finding that job u want =)

To Joey~ good night you flamingo xP <3



So today I read about the failed Children's Crusade of 1212.

It's sad.

Like it makes me shiver.

It reminds me of Les Mis, but on a larger more tragic scale.

=(

Look it up if you're bothered (Y)



Hmm...I'm kind of bored.
I should shower~

But meh.

MUSTMUSTMUST:

~bring moneys 2moz for txtbooks
~go to State Library this Sat for Modern and Hist Ext sources/books
~prepay and register for Rob Rich International Guest Workshop at Crossover =)
~get Romanticism texts from some library...preferably one I do not have a $30+ overdue fee owing at (Y)
~SAVE MONEYS!!! D;
~DO ALL WORK! DDDDDDDDDDDDD;
~get a life
~make it to the atom some time tomorrow...or soon. (well...if i'm needed...)

Hello.
I rolled my ankle today while crossing Pacific Hwy^^
It hurts.
=(

Thankyou Rina for spending 2nd period with me <3
We had a good time with 'charming voice and bulging penis' LOL
-hug-

Thankyou Carumen-chan for being considerate <3

*nts: remember to bring the pills on Saturday







...blurgh.

Not bothered tonight.
Internet being bitchy.

-hugs- for all! =D

Hope Joey calls me soon^^







I'M CRAVING A CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY RIGHT NOW! >DDD

-poke-



So boy,
I wonder sometimes,
Do you miss me?
Hahaha how could you?
I'm on your case before you can even realise I was gone =)

'You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset.
She's going off about something that you said.'

Cookies for fellow psychotic obsessive clingy fat 'i-miss-you-every-fking-second-of-the-day' 'please-don't-leave-me' 'his-life-would-be-a-better-place-without-me' gf's 8)

To the Subject:

Don't worry.
I won't bother you.
Even if I'm 'up to it'.
Won't that make life easier?^^

I'm out.



What's there to talk about if I don't have any excuses.
What's there to talk about if you're all right and I have nothing to say.
You say you're the one who says all the bad things,
But honestly it's better if I don't even appear, let alone speak.
Because I'm the root, the catalyst, and the residue of the problem.
(Excuse the horribly off chemistry allusion)
(Since I'm obviously very science-orientated).

If it offers any consolation,
I'm sorry.
Although I'm pretty sure that doesn't cut it anymore.



That feeling of fear, oddly dry and warm compared to the downpour outside,
But wishing that there was someone to pass it with.
Hoping that someone will embrace you in their arms and keep you safe,
as momentary flashes of white lash at you,
While the sky cries.
But after a while,
You feel strangely at peach amidst nature's screams and moans.
It's beautifully mesmerizing.

EDIT: ...way to ruin ur intended mood idiot ==;; no...i don't feel at 'peach' ...hopefully someone figured that out ><;; *PEACE!!!
And yeah...i didnt figure out the sexual connotations till i got laughed at TT



A 3-way split-end.
How charming.



You notice that which is hard to find in 5 minutes,
but never that which is right in front of your eyes.

I wouldn't deprive you of your passions.
And it's a good thing you wouldn't either.









So yeah...

It hurts.

To be told that one day after a certain point, you'll let go.

It hurts.

It kills.



So yahh so much for not bothered to say much xDD



hmmmm...I don't particularly feel like saying much about my day.

Not much...

This morning was talking to Louis at St Leos and on the bus to NSB as usual =)
We talked about subjects and shiz...and we're kool haha xD
Apparently he used to do Jap~!! =D
And he was complaining about how you can't say 'Oneechan daisuki!'
Without sounding like a toyboy ehehehe.
And then as we were walking up to J block I told him at least it wasn't as inappropriate as
'Oneechan AISHITERU!'
At which I decided to say to the passing Foghorn who was also arriving LOL
And she was like DA FARRRRKKK 'I don't swing that way' LOL
Also passed Lia and Rayray on the way up.
and was like RAYRAAAAAYYY~!
-hugs-
havn't hugged him in ages haha.

We dump our shiz in the music room and kinda well...dieee~
I flopped on Foggy's legs cos I was shiz tired despite 8 hrs sleep.

I dont like Don't Cry For Me Argentina much...
As nice of a song it is...
it's a bit boring.
I'd much rather we were able to master the Michael Jackson Melody haha.
PSALITE~ CHRISTO DEI FILIO!

Had brekkie with Carumen-chan at Eighty Ate and we were wondering whether to tell the Juniors there to GTFO.
Decided later that we ceebs haha.
OMELETTE AND FRENCH TOAST YAYY <3
Gegh TT No chicken BS! D;

Year meeting was meh.
Not much happened except for organisational stuffs.

Modern first period was fun caws Mr Tidyman is just awesomes like that =)
HAIL OUR DARK LORDDD >D
hehe more btching about stoopid Frenches and Brits.
The brits were plain dumb in WWI.
Just plain stoopidly dumb ==;;

Recess, we had an anti shade/anti-sun session.
Walked over to the Atom with Lenloe and then we were doing retarded dance moves with Weelay and Carumen-chan.
Joking anyone?
Then told them about the awkies situation about telling Jaye to put Sanitary bins in the girls bathroom LOL
In all, recess was a nice change from recent events =)
Peacefully fun <3

Maths 3rd period was just more bleurgh fun.
Haha I was shitting myself hoping the bell would ring so that Terry would not check my undone hw YAYY
and when it did I was like YESSSSSSSSSS~!!
Bree laughed TT

Acapella was...interesting.
More killing my voice with The Boy From New York urgh ==
New kiddies joined such as Zara, Lillian and Emma Laister LOL (tf)
One new recruit into Alto 2's.
But she upgraded to Alto 1's by the end LOL
HENCE Carumen-chan is rejoining Alto 2's YAYYY~! <3
I wana sing Down to the River =(

At the end was gna stay back to keep an eye on L and S and R,
but she told me to go away...
Kinda wanted to stay cos Bree asked me to keep them out of trouble,
but...-sigh-
attitude man ==

4th period Eng
Blurgh.
Just blurgh.
More stuff on 'THIS LAND IS MINEEE~'
ew.
Voice
ew.

5th period, was gna work with Rina in the ino rooms.
But we ended up being dragged by Sab and Bree into Snr Study,
for the 'conference'
Then found out some funny shiz from Sab about how Bellar and Joey used to throw Milk tea pearls at pigeons together, and also catch fireflies LOL
Cute (Y) ...~~~-flail-~~~
FIREFLIES~~!
They're taunting me in every shape and form ==

SO YAR!
BAHAHAHAHA reinforcing the LTPUNCH! with Rina ehehe ><;;
Nah i'm not actually that...GRRRR
I'm just playing~ ;]
Or am I? ;O

Ext Jap was mindfk as usual...
despite being slightly more relaxing while we watched Spirited Away.
Jo (Wong) commented on my bun that Bex did for me and said it looked nice ;3
NGAAAWWW JOJOJOJOJO~! -hugsquish- >w<
Heehee <3
We's all screwed for Ext D;
Was falling asleep at the end of the last article -sotired-

Then caught the 273 to Chats,
and was half an hour early.
Went to study room as usual,
and Amy and a new SG chick I didn't know was there.
Felt awkward cos I was eating my krn doritos...which were really loud.
Was trying to chew softly LOL...but the stuff ended up melting inside my mouth and going mushy TT

When we went in for class found out that he chick was Una Kim~
She's niceee ;3
We're both maths failees LOL yerr~
And she told me some funny shiz about...yerrr.
She was shocked to find out me and Joey were going out, let alone for 15 months,
And said she had always thought there was a thing going on between him and Lauren/BecZ
LOL I FEEL SO GG-ED~! =DDDD

Both Michael and Andy were late-ish.
And Michael walked in with a shifty-ass smile again haha.
But yerrzzzz...HE BROUGHT CHOC CHIP COOKAAYYSS <3
YAYY MICHAEL~!

All in all, the lesson was ok.
Analyzing Edvard Munch's 'Girls on the Bridge' was interesting,
cos we found heaps of cool stuffs and turned out we had heaps of ideas yayy~
Also got lots of articles and shiz from Lucy for Namesake -WIN!-
<3 Lucy
Bahahaha, and me and Michael cracking up at Amy as usual xP
Her reaction to the mention of Brick Lane was hilarious bru xD

Then went down with Andy and Michael,
Said bye to Michael,
And walked with Andy to train station.
We also talked on the train about our loner-ness being Northies,
and about other holes in Sydney LOL.
We're kool man -peace- JAP EXT BUDDIES YAYY~
=DD
And then Jap ppl walked in after he got off at Gordon LOL

err. that is all. for today (Y)
=)



So...I wonder how fun changeroom sex would be? ;]

haha -awkiesssss-

=D
Today was fun.
Incredibly fail.
But fun xD

Sorry for dragging you through all the frills and bows T_T
But we had a fun...er...non-zip experience =D

kekekeke -glomps-



note to readers: plz dont use google translate =)
if meaning is wanted, plz ask directly =)

fin.



p.s. i'm not part of each and every one =)



やはり。。。できない。

そんな強い自分がいない。

外の彼女達はやはり。。。私よりもっとかっこいいしきれいだし頭がいいしいい考えがあるんだしたぶんすばらしい関係があるんでしょう。

だから、もういや。

疲れて、自信が持ってない。

こんな自分は、あんたと関係が無理かな～。

だって、自分がよく分かるんで、こんな我侭はあんたに不公平でしょう。

私のせいだから。。。気にしないで。

私、自分で苦しいことを考える方がいいでしょう。

。。。なぜ私がまだ分からないの？どうしてそんなにバカなの、私？
私もまだ知らない。
たぶん。。。





bleurgh.
Today was...today.

Not much to say right now...cos i'm stoning.
I would talk about today but...I'm so idly bored/ceebs right now.

So...I wonder if I should hang in the city and study tomoz before Les Mis at night.

I kinda wanna go watch the SB game...but I don't wanna be like...-awkwardchime-
and then like...keep Joey from going home (as always)
meh
I'm so clingy.
Bad Beddy -slaps-
(I totally imagined Carmen saying that just then ><;;)

So yeahhhhhhh
I wanna shawp for social TT

Myer One 2 DAY SALE!
-shopaholic-
So yeah...I'm totally in year 12 and studying my ass off and thinking about useful things.
I'm totally not distracted.
I'm totally...not....gay =DDD

So, on a more relevant note,
Happy bday to Joey, Jacky, Rickeh, Trav, Vincent (who doesnt know me) and...I think that's it LOL

Said hb to most of them on fb already tho xD

In Joey's case...a bday txt at 12:00:01am works too xP
See? Clingy D; Obsessive even.


FARKKKKK~



so whyyyyy am i looking at formal dresses for sb social? xDDD

but srsly this is so fun =DD
there are some rly cute styles out >w<
Myer ftw (Y)

VARIETY >D



JERSEY NAME DUE TOMOZ!!!
IN DESPERATE NEED OF NAMES!!! D;
HELP APPRECIATED!??!?!!?

=)

Jacky...you are a dumbshit.
Listen to your dai ga jie.

Joey...you're mean.
I don't like you xP

Weelay, don't dip real cigars in coffee.
They won't go soggily edible unlike my biscuits xP

Carumen-chan and Weelay,
-bouncing around to Lucifer music YAYY!-

Sony,
Yayyy I'm glad we're becoming close!!! =D
Ext Hist is so fun nao^^
Plus I'm finally honing in sorta on a topic yayy!
3rd/4th crusades =DD
NTS: BeezunTEEN!
not Baizuntine or Beezuntine xP
(none of those are the real word beeteedubs LOL)
i foresee an interesting H.I. experience^^
YAYY SONY BALONEY! -hugs-
gl on finding a topic<3

Slept in for snr vocal this morning TT
too dead. zzzZZ~
Sorry Foggy D;
didn't mean to make u the onli yr 12 there D;

1st period eng Ms Taylor crashed our lesson and sat behind us in the empty row of chairs just listening in.
SO INTIMIDATING TT
Although she gave good tips and stuffs about the passage
was scarrrryyyy T_T
And I screwd up...just had to be this day when I hadn't done the questions smartass.
FK~

errr yeahhh...got busted by both Harrs and Terry (Lol...go figure...both my bs teachers)
for not doing eng/maths hw.
must do tonight or else screwed (Y)

Must remember to get Namesake off Lucy at Martricks.
Yayyy Lucy!! <3
She's so nicee >w<
dedication right there ;D

JERSEY NAMEEE (yeah thats the second time LOL)

ahmmmm...Yeah GJ's free with Weelay<33
work at GJ's totally happened xD
We ended up pigging out on recess and lunch as well as our coffee.

NSB international day today but ceebs going.
Hope Chris had fun being viet ;P

Modern I'm doing the Study Guide assessment on the war on the Western Front, WWI!!
hehehehe easy topic >D
We were also brainstorming jersey names in modern.
LOL DAIrycow T_T or DAIrywoman FK xD
Oh yah then my computer started sizzling and making crackling noises.
Mr Tidyman laughed T_________T
And told ppl who's computers were not on fire to go look up stuff blah.
*note: must remember to get the History work thingy off School site.

Probs won't be allowed to go on America trip nxt year...too povo T_T

so much Jap work TT
Jap alone takes up about 2 3rds of my folder sheets.
Probs about 200 sheets by now T^T just in the first 2 weeks.
I swear its gna killz mee D;

OH YEAH ~!!! NAKED FRUITS!!! LOL
Me carumen-chan and weelay came up with the concept of fruit strip teases YEAH! =DDD
BAHAHAHA....random ><

Talked to Madgers about Hist ext after school.
Lol soph came right after me and went first.
Her topic sounds so in depth and complicated and like...Proooo T_T
Mine's like...
'errr...yeah I like this topic. But it's rly broad....-shift-'
But yeah Madgers seemed to like it so yayy~
Sack of Constantinople or 3rd Crusade wheee~

Talked to Sarah B while walking to St Leos,
talked about modern trip and uni stuffs and twas cool.
We sounded so intellectual 8)

errr...yarrr cant wait till tomoz arvo^^
so pumped =DD

and err... uhm yeah fk 4 hr free tomoz LOL
what to do~~~

*MUST ANNOTATE TONIGHT PLUS WRAP!



Then I'm sure you have better people to care about.
Ones who won't cause you any loss.







So on a hopefully non-depressing note,

me and Weelay and Shirley and Bree were exploring the concept of having boobs/penis thrust up to your very flat back/rear.
And we started re-enacting it (well...I did...)
and Ms Cheney (years advisor) saw =)
and she apparently double-taked...-triple-taked...quadruple-taked

and stopped and stared,
and walked over to us,
and said we were retarded (well along those lines)
And told us to go to class LOL.

So...smile anyone? =|
-pushes up cheek flab-







It's your own fault for trying too hard.
Stop making excuses stupid girl.











Wow...and I thought YESTERDAY's cryfest was bad haha.

But thankyou to everyone who replied etc. <3
Was inspirational.
I think I've become more...happy =) (lol lame wordchoice)

Unfortunately tonight was 100x worse but for completely different reason.

It's funny how I've been having emotional conflicts with the 3 most important groups of people in my life recently:

1. [bf]
2. [atoms]
3. [family]

Tonight number 3 finally reared its ugly head. The incident obviously coincided with number 1, as it would. But after crying a bucket of tears (I think...quite literally that much) while making as ugly gurgling and choked sounds as those during sex (WTF is that analogy...i dno), finally defended my point (quite badly might I add) and all is good.

Well...I think I'm grounded forever...like never allowed to go out again.

BUT

all is good.

It could be a lot worse =)

So self sacrifice in this case goes a long way =)

Hope you are sleeping soundly in your uber soft pillow, without a care in the world.
You deserve that kind of peace of mind =) -hug-

And to all who noticed last night's post, thank you so much for being there. In all honesty I am now ashamed that I doubted you guys. I am nothing without you guys. Really. Please don't leave me <3

Oh and shoutout to Carumen-chan, thankyou for putting up a trying (albeit feeble) fight against the scary mum-monster on the phone. And I'm sorry you had to go through that =(
(Although you obviously aren't reading this because you have no net LOL)

And to all those not mentioned:





So...

funny.

I came here because I felt lost.
But now words come to mind.

Dear non existent blogreaders,

I havn't blogged in a while.
I know that all the spam coming to my cbox is just...well...spam. You kind of get the point when a few different-named users use the same message.

A shout-out to blog-universe.
Anyone there who still cares?

I'm not...angry...or even pissed to any degree.
Neither am I depressed I guess.
But somehow...somehow I just feel like the light dimmed a little in my eyes.
It might have been caused by something I found out from Joey about an hour back.
But somehow I don't think that's it...even if that was the catalyst.

There are many things that I lock away in my heart or pour out to people nowadays.
And there are good reasons why I don't tell most people.
Because honestly...how many of you would understand?
Everyone's conceptions of life...perhaps all correct.
But only a few people could understand.
In fact, I could probably have a suicide-attempt and most people would never find out.
No-one would know if need be.

On Friday night I cried my heart out.
I cried so much that I don't remember having cried like that since my parents threatened to ask SB for Joey's home number and call his parents, and drive up there to talk with them.
Oh there was also the time when me and Joey almost broke up.
I cried very hard those few times.

But this time, there was something different. Because it started with 'us' again. It was about us. Another 'lover's tiff' I guess. But I cried this time. The crying got worse...but not about us. About a group of people who don't know I'm hurting. I don't know if anyone's noticed. I'm not sure if I should give them that kind of credit. As wonderful people as they are, people tend to forget about those out of sight...those outside of the circle.

The tears flowed, and I cried like a baby. I gasped for air, suffocating in the heartbreak mixed with sense of loss. It was until this moment that I had never truly realised how alone I feel around those that I had claimed to belong to.


What's happening I wonder? What's happening to me? It's not love which is making me hurt is it? No...for most of you you'd think this refers to a specific person. You don't get it at all.

Thank you, for listening as I bawled my eyes out. Even though half of it might have been your fault, you still listened like you always do. I know that if you had been next to me, you would have held me till I fell asleep in exhaustion, tear tracks drying on my cheeks. Maybe, there are no barriers between us anymore (oh perhaps apart from U2 ahahahaha). But thank you. For the millionth time thank you for listening to every excruciatingly painful word muffled by sobs. Thank you for embracing me even when your arms couldn't reach me, when those who are so close don't see my pain. Thank you for accepting me for who I'm afraid to be.

And it seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind,
Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.

On Wednesday night, after staying out in city till 9pm looking for Alison's birthday stuff, we took the train home (we being me and Joey, who btw spent the whole time with me...looking through a million girl-orientated shops with me, living through the millions of frills and pink and jewellery, giving his opinion for when I was undecisive [being most of the time], and just doing all the things which I would've done alone crying; Thank you <3) and found a sleek folder under a lone mX on the chair we had sat on. The folder belonged to a person we didn't know, and had apprenticeship contracts and forms all signed for a guy about to start work. The stuff looked heaps important, so we decided we'd mail it back to him. After Joey got off I called the guy and he hadn't even realised he had lost the folder yet. He was so relieved and thanked me a million times. Turns out he was the same age as us (a few months older than me) and finished school last year and was starting work soon. I'm glad everything's good now Rich =)

It felt nice to have done something insignificantly good. In this small world. Perhaps made just a small difference to one on this little-big planet.

Shoutout to Bree for adding me to her bloglist =) I feel honored to be added, as opposed to being deleted.

Will be up doing work.
Anyone who read this and cares, plz txt me a nice message =)

P.S. I love you Joseph Zhang















09.10.10 <3

To J: I love you and I'm sorry for all the shit I've put you through (yes that is the last time I will say sorry...no not rly LOL)
To A: It was fuckin awesome meeting you ;3 Hope we have more awesome fun like that soon yayy~!! and Yayy for dissing the skinny girl ;P








Waiting...is painful.