Sunday, October 17, 2010
So...
funny.
I came here because I felt lost.
But now words come to mind.
Dear non existent blogreaders,
I havn't blogged in a while.
I know that all the spam coming to my cbox is just...well...spam. You kind of get the point when a few different-named users use the same message.
A shout-out to blog-universe.
Anyone there who still cares?
I'm not...angry...or even pissed to any degree.
Neither am I depressed I guess.
But somehow...somehow I just feel like the light dimmed a little in my eyes.
It might have been caused by something I found out from Joey about an hour back.
But somehow I don't think that's it...even if that was the catalyst.
There are many things that I lock away in my heart or pour out to people nowadays.
And there are good reasons why I don't tell most people.
Because honestly...how many of you would understand?
Everyone's conceptions of life...perhaps all correct.
But only a few people could understand.
In fact, I could probably have a suicide-attempt and most people would never find out.
No-one would know if need be.
On Friday night I cried my heart out.
I cried so much that I don't remember having cried like that since my parents threatened to ask SB for Joey's home number and call his parents, and drive up there to talk with them.
Oh there was also the time when me and Joey almost broke up.
I cried very hard those few times.
But this time, there was something different. Because it started with 'us' again. It was about us. Another 'lover's tiff' I guess. But I cried this time. The crying got worse...but not about us. About a group of people who don't know I'm hurting. I don't know if anyone's noticed. I'm not sure if I should give them that kind of credit. As wonderful people as they are, people tend to forget about those out of sight...those outside of the circle.
The tears flowed, and I cried like a baby. I gasped for air, suffocating in the heartbreak mixed with sense of loss. It was until this moment that I had never truly realised how alone I feel around those that I had claimed to belong to.
Are you crying?
No, there's just water coming out of my eyes.
No, there's just water coming out of my eyes.
What's happening I wonder? What's happening to me? It's not love which is making me hurt is it? No...for most of you you'd think this refers to a specific person. You don't get it at all.
Thank you, for listening as I bawled my eyes out. Even though half of it might have been your fault, you still listened like you always do. I know that if you had been next to me, you would have held me till I fell asleep in exhaustion, tear tracks drying on my cheeks. Maybe, there are no barriers between us anymore (oh perhaps apart from U2 ahahahaha). But thank you. For the millionth time thank you for listening to every excruciatingly painful word muffled by sobs. Thank you for embracing me even when your arms couldn't reach me, when those who are so close don't see my pain. Thank you for accepting me for who I'm afraid to be.
And it seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind,
Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.
On Wednesday night, after staying out in city till 9pm looking for Alison's birthday stuff, we took the train home (we being me and Joey, who btw spent the whole time with me...looking through a million girl-orientated shops with me, living through the millions of frills and pink and jewellery, giving his opinion for when I was undecisive [being most of the time], and just doing all the things which I would've done alone crying; Thank you <3) and found a sleek folder under a lone mX on the chair we had sat on. The folder belonged to a person we didn't know, and had apprenticeship contracts and forms all signed for a guy about to start work. The stuff looked heaps important, so we decided we'd mail it back to him. After Joey got off I called the guy and he hadn't even realised he had lost the folder yet. He was so relieved and thanked me a million times. Turns out he was the same age as us (a few months older than me) and finished school last year and was starting work soon. I'm glad everything's good now Rich =)
It felt nice to have done something insignificantly good. In this small world. Perhaps made just a small difference to one on this little-big planet.
Shoutout to Bree for adding me to her bloglist =) I feel honored to be added, as opposed to being deleted.
Will be up doing work.
Anyone who read this and cares, plz txt me a nice message =)
P.S. I love you Joseph Zhang
~<33 bee[d]ee @ 11:39 PM |
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